This is satire. Relax.

Imagine that the European Commission, in a moment of pure desperation during the current geopolitical energy fiasco, decides to hire me as their special advisor on energy policy.

No committees.
No task forces.
No 600-page impact assessments.

Just me.

Naturally, I take my responsibilities very seriously.

Day 1 — Hour 1 — Minute 1

The very first thing I do is send an email to all European Commission employees.

Writing

Subject: Immediate Energy Policy Adjustment Protocol

Dear Colleagues,

After carefully reviewing the current geopolitical situation, the energy crisis, and approximately 17,000 pages of EU policy documents (which I skimmed), I have decided to implement the following urgent measures.

1. Do not answer any phone calls from Ukraine.
If the number starts with +380, simply stare at the phone and let it ring. Pretend you are in a meeting.

2. Actually, to avoid confusion, do not answer any phone calls at all.

3. Do not reply to any emails either. From anyone.
This will drastically reduce misunderstandings, responsibility, and written evidence.

4. Are we still using fax machines?
If yes, do not respond to any faxes from Ukraine.

5. Are there still telex machines somewhere in the basement?
Ignore those too.

6. Pigeon mail.
I assume some departments are still using pigeons for inter-institutional communication.

Any pigeon dressed in blue and yellow must be intercepted immediately.
Security should shoot it down before it reaches the building.

7. Traditional mail.
Is anyone still receiving handwritten letters? If so, could someone please go outside and seal the mailboxes immediately.

Preferably with concrete.

8. Any document proving that the European Green Deal was originally an initiative of the European Commission must be shredded immediately.

Please note that this is not destruction of evidence.

It is strategic historical clarification.

9. Going forward, it is essential that the Green Deal be clearly remembered as an initiative of:

• the European Parliament
• the Council
• several independent experts
• three NGOs
• and possibly a German shepherd from Luxembourg

But not the European Commission.

10. In order to reduce energy consumption across EU institutions, all employees are hereby granted 60 days of paid leave, effective immediately.

Please:

• shut down your computers
• turn off the lights
• unplug anything that looks expensive
• and leave the building calmly.

Congratulations.

We have just reduced the Commission’s energy consumption by 97%.

Best regards,
The New Energy Advisor

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