As Europe prepares for a difficult winter, the European Commission has reportedly unveiled a new household energy strategy: stop complaining and start collecting leaves.
Citizens are encouraged to gather dead leaves from parks, pavements and forests and burn them for additional heating. Those living in apartments are advised to coordinate with neighbours and establish communal leaf reserves in the basement.
For households concerned about clothing costs, Brussels has another innovative solution: sew the leaves together.
According to the Commission’s imaginary Winter Resilience Guidelines, a properly assembled oak-leaf jacket can provide “a meaningful contribution to personal thermal autonomy.”
Chestnuts may also be placed in pockets as emergency hand warmers.
Citizens unable to locate sufficient leaves are advised to hug one another, walk rapidly around the living room, or spend the evening inside a shopping centre.
The Commission stressed that Europeans should see the coming winter not as an energy crisis, but as an opportunity to accelerate the transition toward a leaf-based circular economy.