Disclaimer: The following interview is entirely fictional and intended as satire.
Bioplastics News: President von der Leyen, where does Europe get its oil?
Ursula: Oil? We don’t really focus on where it comes from. We focus on making sure everyone feels guilty for using it.
Bioplastics News: So Europe no longer depends on OPEC?
Ursula: Absolutely not.
Bioplastics News: Then why do OPEC production cuts send European energy prices soaring?
Ursula: This is fake news. Next question.
Bioplastics News: Is Europe prepared for a world without oil?
Ursula: Certainly. We have commissioned three impact assessments, five expert groups, twelve consultations and a communication strategy.
Bioplastics News: And the oil?
Ursula: We’re still working on that.
Bioplastics News: Some people say Europe still imports millions of barrels of crude every day.
Ursula: Yes, but thanks to the Mass Balance approach, many of those barrels identify as renewable.
Bioplastics News: Where did you think oil came from before entering politics?
Ursula: I assumed it grew naturally on certified organic oil trees somewhere in Southern Europe. I was shocked to discover the Middle East had anything to do with it.
Bioplastics News: What would you say to Europeans worried about rising fuel prices?
Ursula: Let them buy another heat pump or let them have cake.
Bioplastics News: And if they can’t afford one?
Ursula: They can always download our latest strategy document. It contains 600 pages of affordable optimism.
Bioplastics News: President, OPEC has just announced another production cut. What is the European Commission’s response?
Ursula: We’ve decided to immediately establish a High-Level Working Group on Sustainable Feelings About Oil. We expect it to become carbon neutral by 2030. OPEC… remind me, is that one of our agencies?
Bioplastics News: What is Europe’s energy strategy?
Ursula: Hope OPEC increases production… but please don’t quote me on that.
Bioplastics News: One last question, President. Is Europe winning the energy transition?
Ursula: Absolutely. The important thing is not whether you have enough energy, but whether you have the moral high ground.