European Commission President Ursula von der Clown has reportedly declared what insiders describe as a “strongly worded administrative disagreement” with Iran — the most serious level of conflict ever approved in triplicate by EU bureaucracy.
In response, the European Commission unveiled a devastating sanctions package designed after months of consultation, stakeholder meetings, and at least fourteen catered lunches.
Sanctions include:
- The immediate deployment of 50 million tethered bottle caps, carefully launched to ensure environmental compliance even during geopolitical tensions.
- The emergency shipment of 200 million surplus COVID vaccines, allegedly discovered stacked between old briefing folders and a yoga mat in a storage room of the Berlaymont building.
A Commission spokesperson clarified:
“These measures send a clear message — sustainably, inclusively, and within regulatory guidelines.”
Global reactions were swift.
Iranian Regime Spokesperson:
“Who is Ursula von der Leyen?”
Donald Trump:
“Wait… Ursula who?”
EU officials responded by announcing the creation of a Task Force on Awareness of Ursula, expected to publish its findings sometime in 2034.
Disclaimer: This is satire. Any resemblance to real policies, real leaders, or real piles of unused vaccines is purely coincidental… probably.
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