Interviewer – Dear Ursula, thank you for giving us the time for this interview
Ursula – Ach, keine problem.
Interviewer – We came up with a brilliant idea to solve the conflict. Europe, has three wild cards to play: Silvio Berlusconi (the idol of Putin), Gerhard Schroder (the Straw man of Putin) and Romano Prodi (the valet of Putin). Why don’t you send those three guys on a chartered flight to Moscow to re-connect with Putin?
Ursula – Ach ja, warum nicht …. but warum?
Interviewer – Warum? To reduce the tension and make a deal with Putin.
Ursula – OK, but what will they do in Moscow?
Interviewer – Well, it may be wise to organise a “bunga bunga” party with Putin to reduce the tension.
Ursula – ja, good idea. I can organise a “bunga bunga” party
Interviewer – No Ursula, leave it to Silvio.
Ursula – Warum not me?
Interviewer – Because Silvio invented the concept basically.
Ursula – What about Gerhard Schroder? What will he do?
Interviewer – Gerhard will remind Vlad how much money they’re currently losing and he’ll strike a deal. Gerhard has probably also some private business to deal with in Russia.
Ursula – And what about Romano?
Interviewer – Well, Romano … you know?
Ursula – You know what?
Interviewer – Well, he’s been on the Moscow pay roll for the last 50 years … he’s one of them.
Ursula – OK, great. We’ll be like the “Fab 4” travelling to Moscow.
Interviewer – Fab four?
Ursula – Ja … Silvio, Gerhard, Romano und mich.
Interviewer – Nein Ursula. You’re not going. You’re staying in Brussels
Ursula – But maybe Silvio needs some help to organise the Bunga Bungas?
Interviewer – He’ll be just fine. He’s being organising bunga bungas for the last 50 years.
Ursula – But they will need someone to carry their luggage.
Interviewer – OK; Why don’t you add Charles Michel to the trip.
Ursula – Charles Michel ??? He doesn’t want to go. Since, the “chair incident” he’s been sleeping on my couch.
Interviewer – Well Ursula … just grab him by the neck and throw him in the baggage compartment. Tell him that he’s flying to Africa to visit some of his father cobalt mines.
Ursula – Will it be enough?
Interviewer – Give him a chair and he’ll be fine.
Ursula – So after, the Bunga bunga with Silvio, Gerhard strikes the deal. What is Romano doing?
Interviewer – Romano will deal with the rest of the apparatchik. For Romano, it’s going to be like a family visit.
Ursula – Then when all is done, they’re going back to the plane? … Silvio, Gerhard und Romano?
Interviewer – No Ursula, Romano won’t be returning to Europe. He’ll stay behind in Moscow for his retirement.
Ursula – How do we compensate Silvio und Gerhard for their efforts?
Interviewer – Well, usually after a heavy bunga bunga, Silvio likes to relax with a “Ping Pong Show“…. that’s where Charles Michel will come in handy.
Ursula – What about Gerhard?
Interviewer – Gerhard will return with heavy suitcases. Let him keep the suitcases. Don’t ask any questions.
Ursula – OK, then it’s over, we have peace and I can present myself for a second mandate in Brussels?
Interviewer – Nein Ursula, since you’ve been running the show… mayhem has fallen on the European Union: Brexit, corona measures, European values down the drain, human rights down the drain, forced vaccination, lockdowns, economic crisis, super inflation, Russian Ukraine war …. and we’re almost in a nuclear war now, Ursula … I mean even Sweden is considering joining Nato. You’ve broken everything that could be broken. The Gods don’t favour you …. don’t you get it?
Ursula – So, I stop my political career then?
Interviewer – Ursula, listen carefully to what I’m going to tell you: In the name of the average people in the street, in the name of the lower and middle classes of Europe, in the name of EU public officials … stop your political career at the end of your mandate!
Ursula – But what will I do then?
Interviewer – I’m sure you can find a job at McKinsey or at Pfizer.
Ursula – OK, but can I keep the gifts?
Interviewer – You can keep them all; the rings, the jewels, the diamonds, the watch, the handbags … it’s for you; keep it.
Ursula – But I will leave the European Union in a complete state of disarray.
Interviewer – Ursula, you’ve left the EU in a complete fiasco … It’s like Beirut after the war. You were supposed to be a shepherd for the average people, but you betrayed the whole of Europe … you were like a molotov cocktail in a china shop.
Ursula – Und, can I keep the plastic cocktail stirrers?
Interviewer – Yes you can … since nobody has been using them since the 1970s.
Ursula – dank schon
Interviewer – Far Well Ursula
This was the Friday joke; it was meant to make you laugh.
All the characters: Ursula, Gerhard, Silvio, Romano, Charles are all respectable politicians who have made a career in serving the people.
War and violence are terrible; and the politicians that uses those means are cowards as they make sure their families and themselves are safe and protected from it.
Laughing with dramatic events is what makes us human.